{"id":3354,"date":"2021-03-04T09:00:18","date_gmt":"2021-03-04T09:00:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lafayettepark.org\/staging_5\/?p=3354"},"modified":"2021-09-05T21:34:03","modified_gmt":"2021-09-05T21:34:03","slug":"identity-thief","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lafayettepark.org\/staging_5\/identity-thief\/","title":{"rendered":"IDENTITY THIEF"},"content":{"rendered":"

BY\u00a0KIERAN LINDSEY, PhD<\/a><\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we\u2019re twenty years into the Information Age so I\u2019m pretty sure everyone in this courtroom knows that, to quote a famous New Yorker <\/em>cartoon, \u201cOn the Internet, nobody knows you\u2019re a dog.\u201d The anonymity baked into the the interwebs means we\u2019re all free to be whatever, or whomever, we want to virtually be\u2026 even if we want to be someone else.<\/h4>\n

Identity theft may seem like a new and viral meme, but I assure you, creating a counterfeit profile is a prehistoric trope. It\u2019s older than Dick Whitman snagging Don Draper\u2019s dog tag in Mad Men (2007). \u00a0Older than Mrs. Doubtfire\u2019s dad-turned-nanny (1993). Older than the King of Ruritania\u2019s body-double in The Prisoner of Zenda (1894). Older, even, than the sibling-switch of Esau and Jacob in the Book of Genesis (6th century BC).<\/h4>\n

No, we need to travel even further back in time\u2014way, way back\u2014to the Pennsylvanian epoch over 300 million years ago, and what must surely be the first, the most diabolically devious, the most indelible stolen guise in the entire history of Planet Earth.<\/h4>\n

I intend to demonstrate, beyond any doubt (reasonable or otherwise), that the defendant\u2014Armadillidium vulgare<\/em>, aka \u201cpillbug\u201d\u2014is an imposter!<\/h4>\n

\"\"You already know he\u2019s a shape-shifter. Thanks to a body composed of overlapping plates he\u2019s a skilled conglobator\u2014transforming at a moment\u2019s notice from a scurrying, nearly two-dimensional, thumbnail-sized oval into an almost perfectly symmetrical 3D sphere. This is no parlor game, folks. \u00a0Crumpling to the size of a baby aspirin is a prescription for prevention of detection by those who would expose his true nature. (It also limits dehydration, but I digress).<\/h4>\n

Don\u2019t be fooled by this roly-poly fellow\u2019s non-threatening demeanor and diminutive stature. His rap sheet is a phone directory\u2019s worth of aliases: pillbug, wood bug, pea bug, potato bug, and doodlebug, to name only a few\u2026 but he is NOT a bug.<\/h4>\n

That\u2019s right, this armored charlatan may claim to be kin to bedbugs, ladybugs, mealybugs, spittle bugs, stinkbugs, and other insects whose identities he has appropriated, but take a closer look and even without a DNA analysis the evidence is indisputable.<\/h4>\n

Exhibit #1:<\/strong> \u00a0Insects have a single pair of antennae. If the defendant would untuck enough to show his face to members of the jury, you would see that he has not one, but TWO pair of antennae.<\/h4>\n

Exhibit #2:<\/strong> \u00a0Insects have 3 pairs of jointed legs, clustered on the thorax. The defendant has 7 pairs of jointed legs\u2014one pair for each of the 7 segments that constitute his torso. But don\u2019t take my word for it\u2014count them yourselves.<\/h4>\n

\"\"Exhibit #3:<\/strong> As adults, insects breathe using a system of apertures and tubes called spiracles and tracheae, respectively. The defendant\u2014who, while not aquatic is clearly in some legal hot water here\u2014breathes using gill-like structures.<\/h4>\n

Exhibit #4:\u00a0<\/strong> True bugs have piercing and sucking mouth-parts that place them in an insect league of their own. The defendant has no such anatomical features. \u00a0Just look\u2014he\u2019s not even able to use a straw!<\/h4>\n

Exhibit \u00a0#5:<\/strong> \u00a0Speaking of drinking\u2026 insect have a waxy, water-resistant epicuticle that deters desiccation. The defendant does not, which leads me to wonder if his repeated requests for a glass of water are due to the dry air in this courtroom, or a case of nerves born of a guilty conscience?<\/h4>\n

Exhibit #6:<\/strong> No courtroom drama would be complete without a reference to sex so let\u2019s talk about reproduction. Insects employ a diverse set of parenting strategies, including: oviparity<\/em> (eggs are deposited and develop outside the female\u2019s body); ovoviparity<\/em> (eggs develop inside the female\u2019s body and hatch immediately after being laid); and even viviparity<\/em> (young gestate inside the female and are born, not hatched). But the one strategy insects do NOT use is the marsupium<\/em>. That\u2019s right, a pouch tucked under the thorax in which newly hatched young develop until they are old enough to venture out into the world on their own\u2026 a pouch just like the one you would find on the defendant\u2019s own mother!<\/h4>\n

Members of the jury, the facts speak for themselves. The phony before you is not a bug. He has far more in common with a shrimp, a crab, or a lobster than any insect. Literally. Because this common pillbug is, in reality\u2026<\/h4>\n

\u2026a terrestrial CRUSTACEAN!!<\/em><\/h4>\n

[Audible gasps from the courtroom audience]<\/em><\/h4>\n

Your Honor, the prosecution rests.<\/h4>\n
\"\"<\/div>\n
\n

\u00a9 2010 <\/em>Next-Door Nature. Thanks to the photographers who granted permission to use their photos, and to those who made their work available through the Creative Commons license: Alan Howell<\/a><\/span>, Andy Purviance<\/a><\/span>, Brian Gratwicke<\/a><\/span>, and Dany Sternfeld<\/a><\/span>.<\/em><\/h4>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

BY\u00a0KIERAN LINDSEY, PhD Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we\u2019re twenty years into the Information Age so I\u2019m pretty sure everyone in this courtroom knows that, to quote a famous […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":5728,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"off","_et_pb_old_content":"

BY KIERAN LINDSEY, PhD<\/a><\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we\u2019re twenty years into the Information Age so I\u2019m pretty sure everyone in this courtroom knows that, to quote a famous New Yorker <\/em>cartoon, \u201cOn the Internet, nobody knows you\u2019re a dog.\u201d The anonymity baked into the the interwebs means we\u2019re all free to be whatever, or whomever, we want to virtually be\u2026 even if we want to be someone else.<\/h4>\n

Identity theft may seem like a new and viral meme, but I assure you, creating a counterfeit profile is a prehistoric trope. It\u2019s older than Dick Whitman snagging Don Draper\u2019s dog tag in Mad Men (2007).  Older than Mrs. Doubtfire\u2019s dad-turned-nanny (1993). Older than the King of Ruritania\u2019s body-double in The Prisoner of Zenda (1894). Older, even, than the sibling-switch of Esau and Jacob in the Book of Genesis (6th century BC).<\/h4>\n

No, we need to travel even further back in time\u2014way, way back\u2014to the Pennsylvanian epoch over 300 million years ago, and what must surely be the first, the most diabolically devious, the most indelible stolen guise in the entire history of Planet Earth.<\/h4>\n

I intend to demonstrate, beyond any doubt (reasonable or otherwise), that the defendant\u2014Armadillidium vulgare<\/em>, aka \u201cpillbug\u201d\u2014is an imposter!<\/h4>\n
\"\"You already know he\u2019s a shape-shifter. Thanks to a body composed of overlapping plates he\u2019s a skilled conglobator\u2014transforming at a moment\u2019s notice from a scurrying, nearly two-dimensional, thumbnail-sized oval into an almost perfectly symmetrical 3D sphere. This is no parlor game, folks.  Crumpling to the size of a baby aspirin is a prescription for prevention of detection by those who would expose his true nature. (It also limits dehydration, but I digress).<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Don\u2019t be fooled by this roly-poly fellow\u2019s non-threatening demeanor and diminutive stature. His rap sheet is a phone directory\u2019s worth of aliases: pillbug, wood bug, pea bug, potato bug, and doodlebug, to name only a few\u2026 but he is NOT a bug.<\/div>\n

That\u2019s right, this armored charlatan may claim to be kin to bedbugs, ladybugs, mealybugs, spittle bugs, stinkbugs, and other insects whose identities he has appropriated, but take a closer look and even without a DNA analysis the evidence is indisputable.<\/h4>\n

Exhibit #1:<\/strong>  Insects have a single pair of antennae. If the defendant would untuck enough to show his face to members of the jury, you would see that he has not one, but TWO pair of antennae.<\/h4>\n

Exhibit #2:<\/strong>  Insects have 3 pairs of jointed legs, clustered on the thorax. The defendant has 7 pairs of jointed legs\u2014one pair for each of the 7 segments that constitute his torso. But don\u2019t take my word for it\u2014count them yourselves.<\/h4>\n

\"\"Exhibit #3:<\/strong> As adults, insects breathe using a system of apertures and tubes called spiracles and tracheae, respectively. The defendant\u2014who, while not aquatic is clearly in some legal hot water here\u2014breathes using gill-like structures.<\/h4>\n

Exhibit #4: <\/strong> True bugs have piercing and sucking mouth-parts that place them in an insect league of their own. The defendant has no such anatomical features.  Just look\u2014he\u2019s not even able to use a straw!<\/h4>\n

Exhibit  #5:<\/strong>  Speaking of drinking\u2026 insect have a waxy, water-resistant epicuticle that deters desiccation. The defendant does not, which leads me to wonder if his repeated requests for a glass of water are due to the dry air in this courtroom, or a case of nerves born of a guilty conscience?<\/h4>\n

Exhibit #6:<\/strong> No courtroom drama would be complete without a reference to sex so let\u2019s talk about reproduction. Insects employ a diverse set of parenting strategies, including: oviparity<\/em> (eggs are deposited and develop outside the female\u2019s body); ovoviparity<\/em> (eggs develop inside the female\u2019s body and hatch immediately after being laid); and even viviparity<\/em> (young gestate inside the female and are born, not hatched). But the one strategy insects do NOT use is the marsupium<\/em>. That\u2019s right, a pouch tucked under the thorax in which newly hatched young develop until they are old enough to venture out into the world on their own\u2026 a pouch just like the one you would find on the defendant\u2019s own mother!<\/h4>\n

Members of the jury, the facts speak for themselves. The phony before you is not a bug. He has far more in common with a shrimp, a crab, or a lobster than any insect. Literally. Because this common pillbug is, in reality\u2026<\/h4>\n

\u2026a terrestrial CRUSTACEAN!!<\/em><\/h4>\n

[Audible gasps from the courtroom audience]<\/em><\/h4>\n

Your Honor, the prosecution rests.<\/h4>\n
\"\"<\/div>\n\n
\n\n

\u00a9 2010 <\/em>Next-Door Nature. Thanks to the photographers who granted permission to use their photos, and to those who made their work available through the Creative Commons license: Alan Howell<\/a><\/span>, Andy Purviance<\/a><\/span>, Brian Gratwicke<\/a><\/span>, and Dany Sternfeld<\/a><\/span>.<\/em><\/h4>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_EventAllDay":false,"_EventTimezone":"","_EventStartDate":"","_EventEndDate":"","_EventStartDateUTC":"","_EventEndDateUTC":"","_EventShowMap":false,"_EventShowMapLink":false,"_EventURL":"","_EventCost":"","_EventCostDescription":"","_EventCurrencySymbol":"","_EventCurrencyCode":"","_EventCurrencyPosition":"","_EventDateTimeSeparator":"","_EventTimeRangeSeparator":"","_EventOrganizerID":[],"_EventVenueID":0,"_OrganizerEmail":"","_OrganizerPhone":"","_OrganizerWebsite":"","_VenueAddress":"","_VenueCity":"","_VenueCountry":"","_VenueProvince":"","_VenueZip":"","_VenuePhone":"","_VenueURL":"","_VenueStateProvince":"","_VenueLat":"","_VenueLng":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[428,16],"tags":[59,18,27,294,9,31,12,32,14,15,17,57],"class_list":["post-3354","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-invertebrates","category-wildlife","tag-animal-behavior","tag-backyard-wildlife","tag-breeding-behavior","tag-invertebrates","tag-lafayette-park","tag-natural-history","tag-nature","tag-suburban-wildlife","tag-urban-wildlife","tag-watchable-wildlife","tag-wildlife","tag-wildlife-watching"],"yoast_head":"\nIDENTITY THIEF - 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